Reconciliation

I had an honest conversation with two girlfriends at church yesterday, leaving me with these thoughts: Without Jesus, I have not. Without Jesus, I am not. Let’s be honest, without Jesus, I am a complete train wreck. I am self-destructive, a loose cannon, and a ball of nerves. Truth, my friends. Ugly TRUTH. Great conversation amongst friends, yes? I love being able to dive right into the realness of life–that is how you know you have some solid peeps in your life right there. Anywayyyy….In light of the New Year, I have joined the masses in committing to resolutions of all sorts, in an attempt to normalize my life and feel better about who I am to be a better person. I would like to believe, however, that I’m not making resolutions, but revelations about myself and the kind of person I aspire to be. Ah, who am I kidding, I’m totally making resolutions. Just like so many, I have resolved to lose weight, get fit, and get healthier, not just physically, but spiritually and mentally as well. For those of you that know me, you’re rolling your eyes right now because we all know I am always seeking out the above mentioned. I’m always on a journey to a better Kimmy and have stored up a wealth of knowledge surrounding nutrition, physical fitness, and mindfulness. It’s a deep passion of mine and I hope to encourage others in their journey to living life to its full potential. The truth is though, I struggle. I mean S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E. I seek material things and lofty goals for all of the wrong reasons. I tell myself I am seeking these things to be a better person, a better Christian, to grow closer to God, etc. But I am kidding myself and everyone else around me. I know my deepest desire is to be near to God. To appease him. To be at peace with the person He has created and at peace with the life He’s provided. I truly long for these things, but the human in me and the sin I indulge in overcomes every pure and genuine instinct I have. I have to fight for my life everyday. We are always in a spiritual battle, my friends, and the older I get, the deeper I go with my faith, the harder the fight. I have to commit my thoughts to God’s authority every day (sometimes several times a day), and pray against evil and pray for the Spirit to fill me up, asking for less of me each day. Yesterday, during the sermon at church, I heard a message I had heard before, but it struck a different cord this time. It’s not about resolutions, it’s about reconciliation. It’s not about how fit I become or how trendy I dress. It’s not about how many people I say I have helped or how many good deeds I have performed. It’s about Jesus. I am nothing without Him. I am called to reconcile; not only with others, but with myself, and most of all, my Creator. While I am still trying to figure out just exactly what reconciliation looks like with God, I am able to recognize what it does not look like. I have lived in so much anger about what my life is not and what I lack as a human being, that I have put walls up against God, as well as loved ones. I am not as vulnerable as I could be and as a result, am not accepting all that God has to offer this sweet life of mine that he has so graciously created for me. I live in sin daily and choose to indulge in so many areas of my life where I should be restraining. Somewhere in the past 1-2 years, I have convinced myself that I am entitled, and there is no harm in finding happiness in every facet of this life; and that means eating the extra goodies, buying whatever is on sale, going out more with my friends than my husband, burying my face in social media every day, all day…the list goes on. Now, hear me out. I am a firm believer in having fun in this life and seeking out happiness. Trust me, I never stop trying to have fun! While I believe it is fine to indulge in these things at times, I am beginning to understand that trouble lurks when it becomes a lifestyle. I lose sight of what is important. I lose myself and I lose sight of Jesus. While I believe happiness is something God desires for us, I am beginning to question the difference between happiness and joy, which is another blog post for another time. This is just a blurry line for me at this moment in my life.  I think it’s safe to say my expectations of what God has for me differ from His actual plan for me, and consequently, I typically find happiness in many  things that lead to heartache. I am recognizing in myself so much that needs reconciled, most of which is less indulgence in worldly things and more indulgence in God. Thankfully, grace and forgiveness are extended to us at every turn and every sin committed. Listening to the sermon yesterday, truth I already knew overflowed, and I found myself sitting in a pool of grace. God has given us righteous names and we are called to fight the good fight, treating each other as God sees us; Righteous Sons and Righteous Daughters. Reconciliation is key, and we must congregate, deny ourselves, and be more vulnerable. That, I do believe, is a big part in reconciliation of not only ourselves, but of our faith.Yesterday, I followed my husband to the altar, as he wept and prayed. If only I could say I followed him for the right reasons, instead of fear of what the congregation would think if I left him up there by himself. It was apparent to me just how much reconciliation I have to do. Instead of beating myself up about it though, I am choosing to bask in God’s grace, knowing He has given me a righteous name and is longing for me to meet Him at the point of reconciliation. So, instead of focusing on all of my resolutions this year, I am going to focus on reconciling my faith and meeting my Creator in the middle. While I know He will always pursue me, I’m sure it would be nice if I would at least meet Him half way this time. While He has already fulfilled both sides of the covenant, I think it is important for me to ask for help and reach out to Him. Thus, I will  practice denying myself more and inviting Him into my decisions and choices. In case you have not already heard about #theyearofno, I am also focusing on saying no more often instead of being a yes girl, in attempt to be more obedient to what God is calling me to really focus on. While I can say with certainty that I will fail, I will ask for accountability from my friends and church family, as I will need help getting back up, time and time again.

What does reconciliation look like to you? Where are you going to put your focus this year?

Much Love,

~K