I started this section numerous times. I kept trying to think of the perfect way to tell my life story and why I’m creating this blog. I kept getting nowhere. So, I prayed. Then, I prayed a little more. I asked the Big Guy upstairs to please give me the words because I feel like this is an important part of the blog and I don’t want to botch it up! I think I heard Him laugh a little…
That being said…
My reason for creating this blog is three-fold:
1) I believe that where I have been and where I am are places that only God could have pulled me from and taken me to, and I owe it to Him and my brothers and sisters to share that journey.
2) I believe that living a holistic lifestyle is not only a desirable way to obtain happiness, but a lifestyle that can lead to feeling more complete than you could ever imagine.
3) It sounded like a good idea.
I grew up with a huge sense of insecurity in every imaginable aspect. I was overweight, considered “one-of-the-guys,” and never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything. Food was my refuge. It made me feel loved, safe and secure. Unfortunately, I never realized that I possessed these insecurities, let alone the unhealthy relationship I had with food. So, as one would suspect, this all carried into my first serious relationship at the age of 17. For the duration of our four-year relationship, I think it is safe to say we were both miserable. Despite the misery we shared, we made plans to get married, raise a family and try to build a life together. I truly believed I was happy and content with who I was and my situation. Needless to say, I slowly began to battle anxiety and depression, and was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in early 2006. My life was spiraling out of control causing our relationship to as well. After four years of living with my “soul-mate,” the relationship ended and I was devastated, lost and alone. While food had always been my drug of choice, I rarely feel the urge to indulge after we broke-up. Instead, after three weeks of slipping into a deep depression, something pulled me up and I felt motivated to change something. At the time, I had no idea what I wanted to change, but I knew something had too. Little did I know the plans God had in store and that He was that “something” pulling me up.
While I felt the motivation to change, the process ahead of me was, and this is putting it mildly, grueling. My battle with food became an obsession, having bouts with bulimia, deprivation and self-hatred. During what I thought was a time of improving my health, I, in fact, was becoming more unhealthy. I went through cycles of being proud that I would stay away from “bad” foods to going on binges when I couldn’t deal with the stress and anxiety of life and the deprivation of food I was putting myself through. That’s when shame would kick in, and I would repeat the cycle all over again. I would get rid of the food I had binged on by working out excessively, starving myself, and abusing laxatives.
Somewhere along the line, I grew tired of it all.
There is not a specific time in the past seven years that I can honestly say I know where I started to feel like I was actually healing. I don’t believe there is one specific time. Life is an ever-evolving process, where change and growth are constant-if you allow them to be. So, here I sit, seven years later. I still struggle, as we all do, and this blog is just another part of my healing process. God has graciously blessed me with friends and family who provide me with more love and support than I know what to do with, and for that, I will forever be grateful. I have found myself in a loving relationship with my Creator and was baptized the same day that my “soul-mate” married his real soul-mate. (I would like to state that I had no idea he was getting married the same day I was getting baptized. This is a little shout-out to how cool our Creator really is). I would also like the record to show that, as of October 6th, 2012, I married my best friend, Bryan James. God really does hear our prayers and brings alongside the right answers at the right time. Take heart in that my friends!
In these past seven years of transformation, I have lost over 75 lbs, ran a handful of 5k’s and conquered my first half-marathon! After nine years of pursuing my undergraduate degree in Sociology, I graduated this past June! I will begin my Masters in Social Work this fall. I have a deep desire to counsel others, as, I myself have benefited greatly from it. I have learned how to love myself and embrace the beauty within. By pursuing my education, a holistic lifestyle, and the eternal search within, I hope to give others all that God has given me and the vital role He has allowed counseling to play in my story.
I truly hope that this blog will be a blessing to those of you who choose to follow it. My hope is to share life with you and walk through it together. While I share my life and passion for what I’ve felt led to do, I hope that you will share your passions with me and we’ll journey through it together.